Does a blog define who we are?

Latest Back news...Went today for a nerve block. Ouch! Passed out during procedure. Awoke to snapping fingers, the Dr. repeating my name and cold compresses on my head BUT I felt relief from the pain. AAHHH. Still not back to normal-need a few days to take true effect. Now back home in bed with ice pack and prescription pain meds....laptop on tummy- so this was written yesterday while I was laid up all day in pain on prescription meds. I think it still makes sense?!

What you are about to read our my thoughts and while you may or may not agree with them that is what a blog is, an open forum to express your thoughts.

I got to thinking this morning about blogging. I was introduced to the concept several months ago by a friend, Dave. He had latched onto this phenomenon,he said it was a way to for him to write down a history of events that had happened in his life; to possibly leave a legacy for his daughter to reflect back on. And as a "closet " writer he also felt this was an opportunity for him to share his hobby/passion for writing with others.

It took me a few tries and several blog sites to get acclimated to this myself. One of the questions I often receive from friends is "What is a blog" and "What's the point?" Ok, that's two questions but who's counting.

After some explaining, the next question is "why would you put yourself, your personal thoughts and life experiences out there for strangers to read? Why not keep them in a diary/journal?"

Well, my intentions were to remain nameless and faceless in an arena where I could say anything I wanted and express any feelings/opinions without being known. I think though deep down inside, people (I guess me) want others to respond and react to something that they are feeling and experiencing, whether it be good or bad. I think I may have told someone when they asked me those questions, "that blogging feels like "Group Therapy" only you are like the "Wizard of Oz"...behind a curtain."

Then I thought, why not use my blog as a way to share photos and keep up with family members that live out of state . You know, inform them of my life. It's less expensive than creating a website and a lot easier than writing a letter or calling them on the phone. And as I write this , this thought just crossed my mind, essentially this would eliminate the pleasure one receives from hearing the voice of someone they love. Yeah, that's rather impersonal.

If you are stumbling across my blog for the first time or are a constant reader of it, you know that I am not nameless or faceless. I have shared personal thoughts, including my own heart aches and personal photos as well. I have also given my blog address out to several friends and family members . This prohibits me from truly expressing my thoughts and emotions to protect those relationships in my life. It also prevents me from using excessive profanity and sexually explicit comments. Well, for those who know me more intimately, I have been known to swear like a sailor and talk sexually explicit, but I'd rather my Mom not "read" that.

So once I became hooked on this blogging phenomenon, I began randomly clicking through blogs. Ones that I liked I put them in my "favorites" folder. And like any new relationship I went back to my favorites to see if they were definitely going to be keepers or they were just a one entry only thing.

And I wrote. And I wrote. And I began to yearn for someone to comment on my blog. I began looking for affirmation that it was meaningful, funny, helpful to someone else who may be experiencing the same things. Did I make them laugh, cry, respond? Basically, was I anyone's favorite? As I continued along, with still no comments, and why should I care, after all this was my outlet and no one had to take part in it, I began to feel lonely and I wanted to be noticed like many of the thousands of other blogs out there. I wanted to be part of a "blog group". You know like the cool group in high school?

Dave told me the more you comment on other people's blogs you better your chances of getting yours read. Then one day I saw it, it was on Dave's blog...1/2 Nekkid Thursday. My curiosity got the better of me and I clicked on the link and read the rules. Of course, being the blonde that I am, I assumed that you actually had to be 1/2 Nekkid. Not true. And when I saw that Dave had received numerous comments when he participated, I thought here's an opportunity to get some people to read/visit my blog.

So, I participated and got some feedback from some of the regulars and I did pick up a few bloggers who enjoyed my writing, encouraged me to continue and so on. However, what began as a fun weekly activity started to stress me out. So many people, so much creativity involved. I am too busy to be creative, what will I take a picture of next? I am running out of body parts that are "G" rated to expose. I felt if I didn't do something imaginative would anyone notice or care to come back? Now, this was and is my own personal angst. I think is stems from being a perfectionist. At least that is what therapy has taught me. So, I scrolled through many blog sites to see what others had done or were doing. And over time the number of participants to this little game grew to an ungodly large list.

I started to see it all, and I mean that quite literally. I am not judgmental and if I don't like what I see/read I have a choice; don't go there. I will admit, my curiosity got the better of me and sometimes it was as if I would be looking at porn, some tasteful others not. Some, I was in awe of because they could, literally, put it out there, whereas I could not. They were some beautiful bodies. However, blogger is a channel of open access to millions of people so often rude and hurtful comments were posted on some of these peoples blog sites. And, that was not the point (at least according to "the rules") of 1/2 Nekkid Thursday.

What a shame because some of my favorite bloggers deleted their blogs and never returned. Others have e-mailed me to tell me their new blog address the one that they had to create because of this. I miss some of those who have not returned (i.e. Chrissie).

Anyway, I noticed that the more Nekkid one got the more responses one received. And as I said I am not nor was I ever prepared to go "there." Many of these bloggers have partners/spouses who took their photos and or participated with them in the photo. By what I was seeing it was apparently acceptable to their partners that they were receiving comments, some rather sexually "raw" on their "Nekkidness". And since many bloggers personal addresses are unknown, there is no fear of some crazy blogger to physically stalk them, only to do so emotionally.

As for me, I wouldn't be comfortable having my partner/spouse make comments about another woman's breasts etc...in any manner. I admit to commenting on some of the pictures myself. I, however, do not have a significant other yet have kept my comments relatively non offensive. That's just me.

I don't know, does that make me sound like a prude? Insecure with myself or my relationship? I'm not a prude, far from it. Nor am I insecure, but I would question why my bf felt the need to respond to another woman's bare "titties" with an X-rated comment. Hey, you've got the milk for free at home. Now I know a lot of this is meant to be "tongue in cheek" "harmless fun" so no need to get on the defense.

However, I started to wonder if blogging has become the "internet chat room" of the future? Does it allow us to comment or confer with others who have spouses/partners the way internet chat rooms do? Only in this forum, we tend to have a sample of their "profile" as well as pictures, sort of like Match.com. And if people can "cheat" on line as they have been know to do is a blog site also an outlet for this as well? Don't act surprised, I know people have and can start a flirtation with one another of the opposite or same sex, whether it's in the comments section or by personally e-mailing them.

I wonder...

Have we come to a crossroad where we choose to spend more time with our blog "friends" then the ones we have that are available to us "live"?

Do we tend to share more with our blogger friends (off site in private e-mails) than we do with our own partners/friends?

When we are lonely, do we reach out to our blogger friends because they've told us "call me anytime when you feel this way because I have been there too and we can chat.", rather than reach out to our "live" friends?

Do we really know this other person? Really? Does reading someone's blog really define who they are?

For some people blogging is their outlet. A place they can allow their alter ego to let loose. A place they can write thoughts, stories, share photos, express political views etc.. However anytime the door is open to millions of people we expose ourselves...It doesn't matter if it's on here or on the street, people are people. Some will be kind, funny and caring while others will be mean, hurtful, racist, and rude...It's what you do with it that matters.

Thanksgiving Then and Now....

Growing up, every Thanksgiving we would all gather to eat or rather gorge ourselves into food coma's. There was the "adult" table and the proverbial "kid's" table. The "adult" table was set with china reserved only for holidays. Special plates, fancy glasses, one for wine, one for water and silverware that was so shiny you could see your reflection in it. Then, there it was the "kid's" table, a bland boring card table set up with chairs to match. No fancy china or polished silverware. Just plastic cups, plates and paper napkins. You only moved up to the "adult" table once you've reached your teenage years.

As I was the oldest of all the children, I was the first to move to the "adult" table. I felt so important and I made sure that my siblings and cousins knew that I was "cool" enough to eat with the adults. Finally, I was going to eat on the fancy plates and use the shiny silverware. I would be privy to all the adult conversations. However, they talked about things that I had no use for at all since all I could think about was calling my girl friends and setting up our plans for tomorow at the mall.

Years later I would find out that not much would change. I no longer live near my family so over the years I have spent many a Thanksgiving with my very good friend Kristin and her family. The first ones were spent in her tiny apartment where she, her sister and I cooked in their galley style kitchen. Her mom would join in and we would all attempt to "cook" in this tiny kitchen.

The innagural first year, due to space constraints had us plugging the mixer into the kitchen outlet and mashing the potatoes in the dining area, a place where a small two person table was set up. The area in which we would dine was in the living room on a banquet table, aka big-ger card table. Not unlike the card table I grew up having dinner on. However, this time I was able to be involved in adult conversations in which I could contribute, enjoy good food and be with some very special good people.


Each year it only gets better. Now, I am hosting the Thanksgiving dinner at my house (2nd one) with family and friends coming over to eat, enjoy each other's company and be thankful for all that we have. And we will eat at a banquet table, aka big-ger card table and then fall into food comas.

So to all eat, drink, enjoy and love. Have a wonderful and warm Thanksgiving .

Serendipity

Serendipity: The faculty of making fortunate discoveries by accident

Maybe it's the medication, maybe it's PMS, but I feel so emotional. This is a word that evokes something emotional and hopeful in me. I happen to believe things happen for a reason.

So, I take hope that what I may find by accident will be my fortunate discovery.

Look out the window

Look through the closed door

Was there a time when it opened

Did you wonder what for

Were your eyes seeing

What your heart was feeling

Did you ponder too long

What you saw by accident

Was already gone

MS-2005

It's been confirmed!!

Well, It's just as I suspected and it appears People Magazine agrees with me..The Sexiest Man Alive for 2005....Yum!!!!!

Back me up

Well, I missed 1/2 Nekkid Thursday with good reason. I couldn't possibly take a picture of myself 1/2 Nekkid since I found out a have a herniated disc. It took me over a week to have an MRI which I did so reluctantly because the pain could not simply be a muscle spasm. Now taking the muscle relaxers was a good high however they really don't help a herniated disc. Unfortunately for me, I have the feeling that I will be out of any exercise program for about a month. As I understand, from my research on the internet, it could take 4-6 weeks to heal. Damn, I wanted to look all hot at my 40th birthday bash, which is being held at a very cool restaurant and wine bar. I need to go find a sexy and stylish outfit.

Back to my back...how funny is it that I make "fun" of people that research the hell out of any medication that their Dr. puts them on and then come into the Dr.'s office knowing "everything" about the drug and TELL the Dr. "I don't want that drug, I want this one because here is what I learned on the internet." Being in the "drug" business and being a patient has enabled me see both sides. So, I empathize with the physicians and sympathize with the patients. Some physicians are updated on what's current for most disease states while others still prescribe the "good ole standards".

Personally, I want my physician to be as up to date as he/she can be on what's new. I feel that this offers me the kind of service I deserve as a patient. I want my physician to help me with my ailment by providing me with all my options. I don't want to have to ask my physician about a drug and have them say, "I have not heard about that" or "I don't know much about that" because they refuse to open the door to reps who can provide information to them .

As a sales rep in the business, I understand their time constraints. I don't wish to abuse their time, BUT how are they going to get the information without enabling us the opportunity to provide it to them. Oops, I am letting out some steam...sorry.

Anyway, me and my herniated disc are going to sit here on the couch with my steroids and pain killers and watch some bad TV..until I decide to write more in my blog.

Are you kidding me?

As I sat or rather laid on my couch reading my new In Style magazine with the roaring flames only a gas fireplace can produce :) on the tube I had the CMA (country music awards ) on as background noise. Now, I do like country music so it's not that much of a stretch that I would have it on my TV. And what I am about to say here is nothing derogatory toward the music and it's artists. So don't send me hate mail.

However, what got me to get my fingers tapping on the keyboard was....well, let me just explain...

Wynonna Judd- she comes out on the stage with Cowboy Troy (who is a tall black man with a huge belt buckle on his pants) Not in his pants, on his pants..you dirty girls! Back to Wy...she is dressed in a jacket that is too tight (visualize if you will lots of sausage stuffed in it's casing) I had trouble breathing for her! She was wearing a white shirt that was buttoned up to her neck, um, choking here.I So what you see here a woman so tightly wrapped it is causing me discomfort. But it gets better, I know you are saying, But how Michelle? Because the piece of resistance was on her hands, she was wearing black sparkley gloves. HELLO!!...who is dressing this woman, Michael Jackson's wardrobe person? Did she have some kind of freakish accident that she needed to cover up her hands...nothing against gloves if they are paired with a coat but on stage with EEWWW. The only skin she was showing was her face framed by her big 80's hair, which as I understand is back in style.

Shortly thereafter a commercial for Hanes underwear came on. Why am I mentioning this? Well, when is the last time you saw men dressed as pieces of fruit singing a country music toon about underwear! Besides at a a local fair in the house of freakish people. I have never seen an apple belt out a tune so smooth and soothing. Almost brought tears to my eyes, maybe because I was laughing my ass off.

Quiz me this...

I truly am so desperate for things to do while laid up on my back. Now if I had a partner, being laid up wouldn't be so bad. wink wink However, here I lay visiting my favorite blogs, taking all kinds of quizzes. So here's one on personality..from MammaKBears' site...http://mamakbear.blogspot.com/


Dominant Personality: Innocence

Good Traits: You're bubbly and bright. You
ask a lot of questions, and can make anyone
smile.

Bad Traits: You're too naive. People will
step all over you.

You're Most Like: Calm. You're laid back,
and don't get much accomplished. But you have
more energy than someone who's calm.

You Need More: Fear. You run into dangerous
situations without a care, and find yourself
trapped. Be aware, and listen to your instinct.

What's your dominant trait? (10 unique results)
brought to you by

Now my take on this...

Dominant Personality: Innocence... Wow! I am not so sure my Mom would agree with that.

Good Traits: Totally dead on with the bubbly and bright etc.... that's me to a "T". Maybe that's one of the reasons I do well in my profession, which is sales, go figure.

Bad traits: Naive.....I wouldn't say I was naive, however, I think I can be about certian things in my life that I refuse to face and reflecting on what has happened over the past six months... holy hell...I am naive to think it would be any different then it was . :)

You Need More: Fear...hmmm, I guess. So maybe not only do I need more fear, I NEED to listen to my instinct. It's been right every time.

Your most like: Calm, yeah, that makes perfect sense. I do have more energy that most calm people andI don't tend to get much accomplished.

Interesting quiz.....

A few (not so natural) Blonde moments...

I might be Blonde moment #1:

The other day I was working on behalf of my company at a Diabetes Fair. Patients were there to learn more about the treatments available to them for their disease.

As I was standing near my "designated" company display, I noticed a lady whose face I recognized but couldn't place. (I attribute this to age, Did I mention I will be 40? ) I walked away from my space and up to her and said, "Excuse me but you look so familiar to me where do I know you from?"

She, looks at me, a stranger who has now invaded her space and face, replies cautiously, "I'm not sure."

Me: "Hmm, what's your name? Maybe that'll ring a bell."

She points to herself and said "Lori Brian."

Me: with a pensive look on my face "hmm, no, doesn't sound familiar...what do you do? Are you a nurse? Maybe we have crossed paths somewhere."

She, again points to herself and says "Lori Brian" and mentions the word chiropractor.

Me: now excited because I have placed her, "OH, that's right, that's where I've seen you at my former chiropractors office... were you one of the receptionists or one of the assistants..geez, what was that Dr.'s name?"

She, points to herself and says: "Lori Brian"

Me, who at this point is getting a little frustrated says, "yeah, I know Lori Brian" then I point to myself and say "I'm Michelle (insert my last name here) , but what was that Dr.'s name?

She: "Lori Brian"

Then it happened, the lightbulb inside my brain clicked on and out of my mouth comes.."oh my god, you're Dr. Brian!"

Then to take my "blondeness" one step further I say, "I wondered why you kept repeating your name...I thought oh never mind...oh, god I am so embarrassed.... I apologize for the misunderstanding"

Thank god, she laughed..

Note to self...don't approach strangers whose face you recognize but name you don't know


I might be a Blonde Moment # 2

A few years back I used to promote a product that was used by Pyschiatrists. So, I spent some time in a lot of Pysch's offices, not that it did me any good, mind you. One day I brought in some treats for the office and the physician...good stuff like cookies, candy etc...

I was leaving samples of medication for the doctor, which requires me to get a signature from her for accepting the products. As I was unloading my bag of "drugs" I could barely hear bits and pieces of a conversation between the Dr. and one of the office staff members. ..."when are...going in? How long do you.... will be gone? How many days .... do they...?

Since I needed a signature I went to find the Dr.,who was within earshot, in the office kitchen. She was bent over the tale slightly signing off on some charts. She was wearing a white tunic style blouse. This is very important.

Me: "Hi, Dr. Brown, I left you some blah blah ......I just need for you to sign right here."

She takes my pen and pad and begins to sign the form as she is doing this I blurt out, "By the way, I didn't know your were pregnant? Congratulations!"

She looks a, as if I have three heads and if she could she would smash all three and says, "I'm not, I'm just fat!"

At this point I am backpedaling, very badly I might add.

Me: "oh god!!!, I am so embarrassed, I just thought.... I mean..I heard you talking and oh, that blouse is so deceiving...I mean... you ARE not fat..Um...I guess I should shut up now."

With that, I got myself the hell outta there.

Note to self...never ASSume someone is pregnant until they tell you!!

A Love Story...

He had been watching her but she didn't know. He wasn't stalking her just interested in knowing who she was and what was her story. He passed his interest in the girl around. His sources told him she had just ended a relationship with a man who deceived her, she worked at the restaurant next to the club he managed and she was in her last year of college.

It was a warm summer night when he spotted her, walking across the plaza. She was wearing a mini-skirt,sandals and a denim jacket with jewels attached to it with a tank top underneath. He wanted to get her attention but how? He sent over a guy she knew. This guy called her name and told her that she had an admirer and he would like the opportunity to introduce himself personally, if she would stop by. She laughed and said to herself why not?

He bought her a drink and said "hi I'm Curt". She could tell he wasn't from the Midwest, his accent gave him away. It was southern and sweet. The tone was foreign to her ears so her first thoughts were not so kind. However, as they continued to talk she became more comfortable with the accent and with him. She needed to leave for her friends were expecting her. He asked if he could call her, she smiled and said sure and wrote down her number.

He called her several days later. They talked on the phone and he asked her if she would like to go to dinner on Thursday. Yes, she replied.

She thought to herself this could be the much needed diversion she needed to help her get over the last relationship she was in. She needed affirmation that she was pretty, funny and wanted. So why not give this a try.

They met for dinner and afterwards he asked her if she would like to come up to his place for some wine. She hesitated, after all they had just met. He promised her no funny business just some conversation and some wine. Ok, she said.

They spent the next four hours, could it really be almost 2am?, talking about each other and laughing about life. She needed to go, it was late, he asked if he could see her again. Yes, she would like that, she said.

And so they went out again and became closer. They had advanced their relationship to being physical but had not yet slept with one another. One night she went out with her friends and went to the place he managed. Drinking and dancing and drinking, when her old lover/boyfriend showed up. They became intertwined on the dance floor to a slow, sweet love song. He, who had broke her heart, now held her close and kissed her and she responded.

At that moment, maybe it was the alcohol that fired up the passion and the desire she had once felt for her former flame, this lover who had cheated and deceived her, but tonight she didn't care. Maybe it was the alcohol, that gave her the courage, or stupidity to respond to the seduction of her former lover. It made her not give a damn and throw caution to the wind. It appeared it made her forget where she was and who was watching, him . Afterall, he managed the place. What she didn't know, until it was too late, was that he witnessed all of it.

Flash forward to months later, she not only had made a mistake that night with her former flame but she broke the trust and shattered the feelings and any future with Curt.

Curt, being the gentleman that he was, never made her feel his pain. He hid it well but she knew that what she did caused him embarassment and pain. She had lost his trust and some of his respect as well.

You see, she had never had a man treat her so kind, so good. He didn't try to woo her with the cover of expensive dinners, gifts, or "bullshit". What he gave to her, was respect, tenderness, trust, laughter, smiles and a happiness in her heart. No drama. However, she wouldn't appreciate any of this until years later and one to many "bad" relationships. She didn't know at this time that he would be her "one" until it was too late.

She graduated from college in the winter of '88. She accepted a job out of town, one because it was the break she was looking for to get into the entertainment business and two she needed to get away from all the heartaches and memories that were all around her. This was her time to start fresh, no one would know her past, her pain would remain where it began. SHe was ready to embark on her future.

Flash forward to December of 1989. She is settled in her new surroundings and has been there for almost a year. It is the week before Christmas. She's transfixed by the snow that is falling to the ground as she gazes out the the sliding glass door window. She feels alone in her new environment. A half furnished apartment with a card table for dining when she is jolted from her thoughts by the ringing of the phone. She walks across the room and picks up the receiver, "Hello", she says "hi, it's Curt." he replies. She thinks, who? how? "Oh my god could it really be?"

He tells her he found her through mutual contacts and calling information taking a chance that he had the right person. He called to wish her Happy Birthday. Born a Christmas day baby she often gets passed over. He says he had hoped to reach her before she left town to be with her family. They talk for what seemed like just a few minutes but in actuallity was an hour. She reluctantly hangs up the phone. She feels excited and flattered, he remembered..he actually remembered.

Over the course of the year they talk a few more times. He tells her he is moving to Houston. He tells her that he misses her. She misses him too, but what can they do? She is on the verge of creating a name for herself as is he in both of their respected careers. They have not made any commitments to each other but there is a bond between them.

She becomes accustomed to a call from him on her birthday. She knows like clockwork that the phone will ring either at the stroke of midnight or the next morning. It's always him wishing her happy birthday, he always remembers.

Time continues on and she becomes involved with a wonderful caring man. However she knows that she does not love him the way two people should love each other. But he is kind and considerate to her and she know he loves her.

One day the phone rings, it's Curt calling from Houston. He says he will be in Chicago for the weekend and would love to see her. She says without thinking yes! Giddy and excited she thinks " What will I wear, is it posible to loose a few pounds before I see him etc"...then it hits her, how will she explain this to her boyfriend. She tells him she is going to Chicago for a weekend with a girlfriend. The boyfriend wants to meet her there. She can't come up with an explanation to prevent this other than insisting it's a girls' weekend.

As she is a bad liar, she breaks down and confesses that she is going to meet an old friend, who happens to be a guy, but there is no need for him to worry, it's platonic. Her boyfriend is the jealous type.

Too her surprise, he shows up in Chicago the same night she is to meet Curt. She has nothing to hide, so she says, when her boyfriend decides he wants to go with her. Damn! she thinks. The meeting/reunion with Curt is awkward and the night erupts in a lover's quarrel between her and her boyfriend. The boyfriend knows that her relationship with Curt was and never will be platonic. He saw the way they looked at each other and was threatened right away.

Curt calls her the next day when she returns home expressing his disappointment in their meeting, but understands the situation and chalks it up to bad timing. However, he says she looked beautiful and he was happy to see her even if the boyfriend was present.

It is December '89, he calls her on her birthday and tells her he is moving to Australia to open a new club for the company. He will be there for three years, maybe longer. However, he will be in touch. A year goes by, and during this time, she breaks up with her boyfriend. She doesn't love him the way she should. Not too long after, Curt calls. He is going back home to Houston to visit his family and would like to see her. He sends her a ticket.

She is having lots of anxiety as she sits on the plane. It's been several years since they have seen each other. Will he still find her attractive, charming, intriguing? Will she feel the same about him? She knows that aside from any physical changes, she loves him emotionally and she needs to tell him.

She walks off the plane and there he is. He looks the same. She is relieved and can tell by the look on his face so is he. She is so nervous. What to say, what should we talk about..Oh god this feels so awkward. He stops the car and she wonders what is wrong. He pulls out a cooler and two glasses. He pours him and her a glass of champagne and raises a toast. As they drink it down, her courage returns and her anxiety disappears.

They spend the first night in each others arms, they make love and fall asleep with their bodies intertwined. They spend the next day touring the artsy side of Houston. Drinking frozen drinks at Fat Tuesdays, shooting pool and taking in each other's company. She leaves tomorrow, "too soon she thinks. But tonight I will tell him how I feel. "

They dress for dinner. He is taking her to a restaurant located on the rooftop with a beautiful view of the city. He asks her to dance, he pulls her body close to his and they move to the music. They take their cocktails outside on the roof top and enjoy the luminous view of the city. She is somewhat sad as she is leaving him in the morning. She summons up the courage and tells him, she loves him and if her were to ask her to join him in Australia she would...she wants to spend her life with him.

He looks at her, she stares into his eyes. His eyes tell her he was not prepared for this. His face takes on a certain sadness as he looks at her and says, "I don't know how to tell you this but I am involved wiith someone else, and it's rather serious...If only you had told me this before..it appears we can never get it right, when I am available you aren't and when you are I'm not".

She asks him to consider them together. They have a history. He processes the words, the situation. He thinks of the reprecussions of his actions. Could or should he break the heart of this person waiting for him in Australia? He gives it some consideration.

They finish dinner in an emotional time warp. Once they get back to the hotel, they don't make love but lay together for they both know this is the last time they will be together.

The next morning he drives her to the airport. On the plane she reflects on the weekend. She knows that she would have married him if he would have asked but he didn't and she is not bitter. She thinks to herself, to love and be loved was enough for her with this man for he showed her that true love is without drama. She will replay this in her mind over the years to come. Not for what would/could have been but for what it was.

Shortly thereafter their weekend a letter appears from him apologizing for what could have been between them. He wonders if he made a mistake in letting her go.

It is December of '90. He calls to wish her happy birthday and in a voice filled with angst tells her he is getting married. Her heart sinks deep into the pit of her stomache. Surely she did not hear that correctly. He can't get married. But he is and he wanted to tell her himself. What could she do other than congratulate him. She then hangs up the phone and cries herself to sleep.

Flash forward...the calls don't come on her birthday anymore. She wonders if he still thinks about her? She doesn't know where he is or what he is doing anymore. She is no longer a physical part of his life but beleives she will always be an emotional part as he will always be for her. To love and have lost is one thing but to never love or be loved is a tragedy.


BTW if you haven't figured it out....
She is me. The other day as I reflected on what I want in a relationship, I thought about Curt. It flooded me with emotions. But it helped me realize what I wanted in relationship and what I have settled for. I am beautiful, smart, loving, funny, caring, sensual, and more. I will remind myself that every day when I settle for less because I am worth so much more.

Not 1/2 but Totally Nekkid...

Here I am on 1/2 Nekkid Thursday...totally nekkid.










OOOpps... I see the sight of me Nekkid caused you to go blind.....hee hee hee. Happy 1/2 Nekkid Thursday.




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A, C?????

I stole this from Kathi's site, http://kathibratcher.blogspot.com/. I always thought I was very observant, especially to details because that's how I remember directions well..then again, hhmmmm. According to this...I pretty much suck on the small things. No sexual innuendo's attached here unless we talk about my last boyfriend. :) :) (it's a joke)

Your Observation Skills Get A C

You tend to notice the big things in life... But the details aren't exactly your forte

How Observant Are You?

Oh My god!!! I did just notice I surpassed the 1,000 mark for visitors to my blog. Now for some of you "big bloggers" this means nothing..but to little ole' me...woohoo!

Head Sex

The other day I read about something called "Head Sex". Now, I know, actually, maybe I don't, what some of you are thinking right away. Images of porn, new ways to give "head" and god know what have entered most of your minds. I know , I have read your blogs, with fascination, I may add. :) :)

But this is actually about something more emotional. It's about the "intellectual combustion" between a man and a woman. It's about more than pure physical attraction, it's about the emotional feeling that you are on the same wave length with the opposite sex.

These tend to happen when one or both are involved in a relationship with someone else. Emotional affairs tend to progress rapidly because the two of you have a lot in common and although you may never get sexual with each other it can be just as intense.

According to the article..."Emotional affairs often end badly."

The creators of this article included a check list, if you answer yes to five or more of these, they say that you're probably having an "emotional affair" better known as Head Sex.

Although I am not in a relationship it is hard to apply this to myself, but I do have a platonic friend, who is not involved with someone else, who I sorta crush on...so I'll give it ago.

1) Do you pay special attention to how you look before you see your "platonic" friend? Yes

2) Do you think crush-like thoughts, such as; "He/She would love this outfit." Yes, but more like "would this outfit really blow him away?"

3) Do you touch in "legal" ways-such as picking lint off her jacket or checking out his new biceps?
No, I just touch him..right now in a legal way.

4) Have you developed "mentionitis", where you're tempted to add his/her name in every third sentence when your with friends? Not quite there but do mention him every now and then

5) Have your friends been asking you if you two are really just friends? They did alot in the past, not so much now.

6) Do you tell your friend platonic details of your day before you tell your partner? N/A

7) Do you find yourselves comparing notes or complaining to each other about one another's partners? No, but we compare notes and complain about our previous relationships

8) Do you play down how much time you spend with him/her when talking to your partner? N/A

9) Has one of you said, "I'm attracted to you but I would never act on it, because you're attached? No

10) Would you partner be uncomfortable if they saw a video of the time you spend with this person?
If I had a partner I would ask.

Are these really signs of an emotional affair or are they signs of an unhappy relationship, a non-committed partner or someone who is in love with someone else?

I don't claim to know...I'm just the messenger.

Monday Relief

Sunday Morning

One of my favorite songs is by Maroon 5, it's called Sunday Morning.

Lyrics go like this :

Sunday morning rain is falling

Steal some covers share some skin

Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable

You twist to fit the mold that I am in

But things just get so crazy

living life gets hard to do

And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew

That someday it would lead me back to you

That someday it would lead me back to you

Although it's not raining here, just beautiful skies with cool crisp autumn air, it just feels like a Maroon 5 kind of day.

I am still "trapped" due to my back muscles on the couch with the laptop, no candy to soothe my soul or the pain of my injured back. However, I have resorted to some pharmaceutical grade "products" which have left me feeling a little "high" and taken a little bit of the pain away.

Which for you means I am writing while under the influence. :)

Since I am not mobile yet I am limited to what I can do, watch TV, listen to music , re-read all of my magazines and read blogs as I surf the internet. Thank God, I can still satisfy my shopping addiction. :) I came across a poem on phoenix's blog;

http://his-phoenix.blogspot.com/2005/10/silence.html, I included the link but copied it below.

Silence

Silence can be a hurtful path to take,

Hearts can be broken and ache,

When you choose to not speak out,

Your closest friends may turn about.

By choosing to keep all thoughts within,

I took a glancing blow to the chin,

Now I hurt and I do not know why,

You could keep such a secret on the sly.

Finding me is just a few buttons away,

The skies have gone from bright to gray,

Excuses abound from your fingertips,

I should have heard it from your lips.

I have been your friend for a long time,

Through thick and thin, hurt and crime,

I will be there for many more things,

Yet now I am flying on broken wings.

Phoenix, October, 2005.

In any relationship, friendship or otherwise, communication is so crucial. When two people do not and can not communicate by talking then there is no longer a relationship of any kind.

Over the past few years I have had people come in and out of my life. The ones that have stayed are still my friends. We talk about the things that one of us has done to offend or hurt the other and we work through them. This is the way it works. Why? I like to think it is because we respect each other and value what what we have with each other enough to not let it go.

Recently I hurt someone''s feelings, who was close to me, but didn't know it. They held the information from me and then confronted me with it a few weeks later. They felt I had said something that was hurtful to them and inconsiderate. And no matter what I say I said vs what they heard me say matters.

Reading Pheonix's poem and laying here with my thoughts, has alerted me to the fact that both of us are at fault. You see, I failed to realize I did the same thing to them, I held back something they said to me which I felt was inconsiderate. So, I am no better.

However now, we don't communicate with each other. Lesson to be learned and where the story ends.

Friday's Food For thought

It's Friday, and that means another version of Food for thought... Now for the specials of the day...

Appetizer

Let's see, somehow after I started out this am I had a muscle spasm in my lower back. The past two weeks I have been working out like crazy. Monday-Friday, every day. I haven't given my muscles a chance to recover so.. it was not doubt that at some point they were going to just spasz out. Well they did it today. I just arrived home from my trip to the chiropractor and am now on the couch with laptop and candy. Yes, candy, it always soothes my soul, not my tummy. It's a treat I allow myself every now and then...cherry sour balls and chocolate covered raisins.

No matter the occasion, heartbreak or celebrations...I usually have red licorice, the old fashioned kind, it's the best, but I've switched to sour balls and choc. covered raisins.



The Main Course

I am a gadget person. Which essentially means for me that I need a new cellphone every six months. Unfortunately for me, it doesn't come cheap. As you know the only deals you get on a new phone is when you sign up with a new carrier or renew your contract. I renewed my contract six months ago and got a new phone, the treo 650, which gave me so many problems technically that I had to return it and get another one, that one too gave me problems so I traded that in for another PDA/phone. At this point you may think, it's not the phone maybe it's you.

Well, this new device is just too big and I knew it, but I got it anyway. So here I am five months later hating it. It phantom calls my friends when I am singing alone in my car or when I am in the middle of a call if anything touches the screen poof! the call is gone. Did I mention it looks like a small laptop is attached to my waist when I clip it to my pants? Many of my friends BEG me to not do because I quote, "you look like a geek." However when it sits in my purse, if anything hits it, it begins the phantom calling.

After a phone call to my carrier today I am getting back my treo, which I truly do miss despite it's malfuntioning. I think the fact that I have a rather substantial credit on my account and basically told them I wanted to cancel my contract was the deal breaker. Or is it that it's been six months and I need another gadget?

Dessert

For November the weather could not be more fabulous. It's been in the 70's, sometimes near 80's and the trees are turning beautiful colors. The warm wind blows this majestic rainbow of dancing colors across the streets, yards and under our feet.

Last night at the outdoor boot camp exercise program I attend was so amazing. I loved being out in the warm autumn air. The leaves were fresh and crunchy under my feet and it reminded me of when I was a kid. We used to pile the leaves up and jump into them and hear the crunching of them beneath our feet as we would hit the ground and begin to roll around in them. We would wrestle with each other in these piles of leaves throwing them up and around as if they were conffetti. As they rained down around us, you can smell Fall. That in itself is so indescribable. We would end up with leaves in our hair, shirts and jackets. But nobody cared. Those are the moments I relive in my mind every Fall...wish we could all be kids again.

1/2 NEKKID in Aruba

Here I am 1/2 Nekkid... last December on a very sunny and beautiful beach in Aruba...where I will be returning this December. Don't hate! :)


WARNING: Breasts appear larger than they really are!

Diamonds are a girl's best friend?

I happen to think in this case this bra may be a man's best friend. But for 12.5 million? Is it really necessary to wear your diamonds on your breasts? I mean not only should you NOT wear a shirt, for 12.5 million obvious reasons, but will your conscious bother you that it took 30 "man" hours to make and the cost could probably feed and clothe a small country? Nah, me neither.

Who do we have to blame for this?
It was enough to have Bennifer, but now we have Bradgelina and Vaughniston.
Just in case I lost you...Bennifer=Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez, Bradgelina = Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and Vaughniston=Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston.

And now some of favorite pictures done by Anne Taintor.