Happy Halloween

I have been digging deep emotionally lately so I decided a little (or should I say big) humor was in order.
Trick or Treat!

Oh, I decided to add my friend's husband's costume from Saturday's Halloween party..The ambiguously gay duo from the cartoon on Saturday Night Live.

Time can't change me...

Time for a cool change
I know that it's time for a cool change
Now that my life is so prearranged
I know that it's time for a cool change *

This weekend as the time changes and we fall back, I got to thinkin' (which can be dangerous)... How can we avoid "falling back" into the same mistakes over and over?

They say (BTW, who are they?) that timing is everything...

If you boil an egg too long it may explode all over your kitchen...(not that I know that first hand or anything) but let me tell you, it sure does make a mess not to mention scare the hell out of you when it explodes. :)

Arrive just 5 minutes too late and you can't get your luggage on the same flight.

Forget to pay a bill today and when you pay it tomorrow you get hit with a $25 late fee.

Meet the right guy at the wrong time and you'll never know what could have been.

(I feel as if I am rewriting the lyrics to the Alanis Morsette song, "Isn't it ironic".)

Being the friend that I want to be to my friend as she goes through this horrible situation with her marriage is hard. The timing couldn't be worse. I am trying to heal a broken heart while I am being her shoulder to lean upon, and she misses her husband, despite all the stuff he has done.

We rack our brains searching for reasons why. Maybe the simple answer to it all is that people come together and move apart-it's the age old webb and flow of relationships and /or friendships. Some are shorter journeys and others were meant to last a lifetime.

Even if you have everything in common, the one thing you don't share is the belief that the relationship could work. Your mind works overtime to come up with all the reasons you should be together. Your heart hurts and your mind wants to find a way to undo the pain.

All of this has stirred up in me emotions for "the guy", who I miss. He was my very good friend, my lover and will be someone that I will always love.

However, there is no quick remedy for the powerful sting of a heartbreak or heartache for that matter because at the end of the day, someone you loved, trusted and valued has rejected you. Try not to take that personally.

So how do we avoid "falling back" into what we know is familiar? I can't answer that.

However, they say TIME heals all wounds.

*Little River Band

Friday's Food for Thought

I started this food for thought concept back when I first started blogging except I called in Tids and Bits. Anyway, I am serving up a small plate of some self serving thoughts today...so grab a fork and sit for a bite.

Appetizer
The other day I received a shipment of 2000 business cards from the company I currently work for, I guess I will be there for a very , very long time. I haven't even used up the first 500.

So if you see one of my cards posted on a bulletin board, in a bathroom, or on a "Wanted" wall in the local police station...just know that I have 2000 cards I need to distribute.

Entree
This year I turn 40, actually Xmas day. Apparently none of my friends have volunteered to throw me a party so I decided to host my own, for a very special person, ME!
Hee hee.

I made out the guest list this evening and invited my closest friends to celebrate with me at a local restaurant, The Melting Pot. I love that place. We'll have cocktails then dinner, if I don't imbibe to heavily on dirty martinis!

It feels a little self serving however. But I have not had a birthday party since I was 4. I mean afterall I share the day with the big guy's son, who do you think comes first? And...all the bars are closed. This was a problem when I finally became legal to drink. Which btw was just a few years ago. Did I say 40, I meant 30. Then there is the combining of the gifts...two SEPARATE occasions = one gift. There's some bad math.

So, I am holding my little soiree the first weekend in December, several weeks before the big day and right at the peak of the gift buying season. Now, who's the blonde here?!

Salad (the european way, served at the end)
During one of the last face to face conversations I had with "the guy", he said to me ,"your body is not all that great, you give yourself too much credit." That comment came after I implied he just wanted to sleep with me. Ouch. Although I am no super model, I don't need to be reminded of that by the person I have been intimate with. Hello, lights out, please! Apparently this was intended as a "joke" which I did not get.

Desert
Thursday I went to have x-rays of my liver and my kidneys done. I will have the results next week to see if any of the tumors have progressed in size. DO you know the solutions you have to ingest for these things? One taste like banana flavored chalk..if there is such a thing, and the other is some very bitter lemonade flavored potion. Then at one point they inject some dye into your veins which makes you feel warm, very warm all the way down to your toes...stopping a few minutes in your nether region. Where (1) you feel very hot, which gets the mind spinning in that sexual mode when all of a sudden (2) you feel as if you have to pee. Buzz kill!

HNT! Happy Halloween!!

And the beat goes on...

Just came home tonight for the second time. About a month ago, my friend's husband decided to not come home from a weekend down at the lake. Instead he moved some of his stuff into his mother's house and told her by phone where he would be staying. He needed some space from her. After 14 years of marriage she was devastated.

Over the past two weeks things have developed even further. He comes to the house to pay the bills every Monday but does not want to see her so she has to leave. Upon returning to the house last week she found receipts laying in the trash can, for a couple of trips to some local wineries and one from Walmart with the following purchases; tampons, a toothbrush and chocolates. To the best of her knowledge, he is a man, so why would he need tampons? She called me devastated and I tried to talk her down from the ledge.

Tonight, for some unknown reason she looked in the paper shredder and on the top was a piece of a shredded receipt with the word condom printed on it. She managed to put the whole shredded receipt together, her shredder really sucks BTW. My phone rang at 9pm it was her mother concerned asking me to go over there for she was afraid of her daughter's mental state.

Lately, so many of the married people I know have separated from each other. The question I ask as a single person is why did they get married in the first place? I don't think that because I am single, never married that I can not relate to their situations because in the end it's all about the relationship.

The signs are there, we just chose to accept them or ignore them. The only difference is that in a marriage you are bound with a legal document. It doesn't mean you won't cheat, leave, change your mind, or fall in love with someone else and out of love with them.

Are you truly getting what you want out of your relationship or are you settling. For my friend the past six years have been spent with a mate who does not want to do things she enjoys, is an alcoholic in denial and can't communicate with her. Yet she says she loves him and would take him back and in the same breath she says but I have not been happy. Is she emotionally conflicted and/or afraid to be alone?

Sure we love that person but if you and he/she are are not compatible together, it is what it is. I think we all try to "work" it out because we want to believe in it. But when change is involved, people don't change unless they want to.

In a relationship I was in many years ago, I used to think I could change the way this person felt about me. When he chose someone else and not me to spend his life with I was devastated. But the reality simply may have been that he was not ready to commit to a relationship long term with me because he may be drawn to a certain type (not just physical attributes) of a woman.
It wasn't me, it was him.

For example, I have found that I am drawn to men who need to be "helped". I go into a relationship with them and try to help them "fix" their life in some way. Well, there are several problems with that, (1) you can't fix someone, they can only fix themselves and (2) my heart always gets broken.

I also used to think there was one "soulmate" for everyone. Well, I still do but I am working on that one.

The other day someone said to me, the best thing you can do for someone you love is to let them go when they need to be let go. Love is doing what's best for that person.

Well, I am working on that one too.

Turkey and Turkey's

Today, I started my preparation for the 2nd annual Thanksgiving dinner at my house. I decided to go to the mall and check out Williams Sonoma to see if there was anything I needed.
Well, there is a lot I need because I don't cook. Well, not as well as I would like and not often. So I usually have nothing in my house. I have started to make a list of things I need before the big event.

I love Williams Sonoma. One, they are always cooking something. Two, they have the coolest appliances, spices, cooking tools, etc...that I can look at and pretend that if I did cook I would purchase this and this and that...

20 minutes later with the help of a very good salesperson, Connie, I left with the following: Foccacia stuffing, gravy, cranberry-orange dressing, herbs, brine, and bags. Now, I had to have a small lesson with brine. Apparently it is a marinade that the turkey sits in for 6-22 hours and then you wash it off, season your turkey and cook it. The brine makes the turkey very moist. I told Connie I just pour a beer or two inside the cavity to get this effect. She shrugged and said you could do that but this stuff is amazing and we sell out of it every year.
Hooked, I let her reel me in to the tune of $60 later for turkey prep.

Speaking of Turkeys....

At the hair salon the other day, instead of reaching for my usual "chick" magazine, there it was, Esquire, the Cosmo for Men. Hhmm, I thought, maybe I could learn a thing or two about men, I mean, maybe there is something about them that I don't already know. As I began thumbing through the pages by passing the cover story on The Sexist Woman Alive, who according to Esquire is Jessica Biel. For those who don't know who he is, she began her career as Mary Camden in the show "7th Heaven".

However, that's not what I found to be entertaining, sorry guys, it was the article entitled "59 things a man should never do past 30." Unfortunately, I did not take the magazine, which would have given my hairdresser the wrong idea about me. I was only able to access off of the Esquire website the first 11 and remembered two more.
So dear readers here's your chance to add a few to the list. Men, don't get offended, it's all in good fun and after all The magazine for men, started it.



1. Coin his own nickname.
2. Use a wallet that is fastened with Velcro.
3. Rank his friends in order of best, second best, and so on.
4. Hacky sack.
5. Name his penis his name plus junior
6. Hang art with tape.
7. Hang The Scream , unless he stole it from the Munch museum in Oslo.
8. Ask a policeman, "You ever shoot anybody with that thing?"
9. Ask a woman, "Hey, you got a license for that ass?"
10. Skip.
11. Take a camera to a nude beach
12. Do a gang pose in his friends wedding photos
13. Make a V with his hand and tap it on his chest upon greeting and leaving and adding the words "Peace Out"

Change

Fall is in the air. Although the temp is still pretty high here it makes it hard to feel as if we have actually crossed over into Fall. But change is in the air. As I drive around the city I see the leaves changing colors on all the trees. This has to be the most spectacular time of the year. It's amazing how the landscape can look so much like a painting. Red, yellow, gold, the colors are indescribable . I will truly hate to see the trees go bare and change into wooden stick figures against the horizon.

Change is good, so they say. Change happens or is that s--t happens? No matter, the bottom line is that change happens whether we like it or not. Sometimes we get a choice to make a change in our lives. That's the easier of the two. The harder one is when we don't have a choice. Change can be stressful and uncomfortable, it takes us out of that area we call our "comfort zone".

We have to let go of what we know as familiar to walk into unknown territory.

Changes in my life most recently, were my job, my health and relationships with friends and family.

I switched companies six months ago and at the same time learned I had to have part of my liver removed due to a tumor. During my recovery phase I became more involved in a relationship that I had no business being involved with in the first place.

I still have yet to learn that I can't change people or situations to be what I want them to be. I asked the Dr. what can I change in my life to prevent these tumors from growing. He replied-nothing. I asked the guy whom I never stopped loving where do we go from here? He replied-nowhere.

So, I can't change what is happening in my body nor can I change the way this guy feels about me. But I can change how I react to both and how I let them change my life.

Pigglie-wigglies

I do love my toes! Freshly pedicured and ready for their debut on Half-Nekkid thursday!

Please No More....

Please....


...if you are over the age of 20 (and I am being generous here) do not carry a "Hello Kitty" purse on your person.

...quit putting magnetic ribbons for every cause on your automobile. Can you donate your time and /or your money and let it go? b/c your car looks like crap.

...if you are elderly driver and find that you can not go the speed limit-Move into the slow lane better yet take the bus!

...and one more....Please stop making rubber wristband's in all colors for all causes-better yet, just stop making them period.

Anybody want to add to this list?

Friday Foto

Love this concept! Requires minimal if no thought process. Great for the end of the week burnout! So here is me @ 3 months old.

Half NeKKid Thursday

I decided to get on this blog trend that is sweeping the blog world. I took this photo, very difficult to do. Tan lines and all, it is my entry. It wasn't until I actually looked at other entries that I understood that you really don't have to be half naked. :( There's the blonde in me once again!

Unable to airbrush for a truly awesome look...I apologize in advance for the tan lines and all other imperfections. Yeah..that's my story and I am sticking to it!

Take the C...

The other night, I think I had an epiphany. I called up my friend K., and let her in on my revelation, to which she replied, "I have been telling you this along" So why is it that when I hear it from a person who knows me for less than 30 minutes is it an epiphany?

Pull up a chair grab yourself a beverage and plan to sit for a few because this could be a long one.

Flashback to the other evening

I enter the restaurant feeling a little frazzled, long day, very tired, thinking to myself "what am I doing here?" I need to be home sleeping. It hits me "Oh yeah... I've been told that I haven't made much of an effort to meet anyone new of the opposite sex. Whatever... and so what if it's true."

I look around....
"Great there are close to 30 people here and I don't see him...oh well..gotta go"...then he approaches..."s---, gotta stay." Inside voice.

Casual introductions out of the way, "hmm, handshake feels a little "limpy".... kind of effeminate for a Navy man." Again inside voice.

We sit down and I order a good ole H2o, as I discreetly check the signal on my cell phone (it's not strong) so if I need an out, I'm screwed.

He asks me to tell him about me, what's a typical week in Michelle's life. Oh boy, once he hears this he may run. So I lay it down for him, the short version for you'all, trust me you'll appreciate this... I'm very busy at my job, I am currently remodeling my bathroom and starting a new exercise program, still going to my twice a week boot camp sessions, as I attempt a new eating program, (short for diet) .

As we sit there talking, he says, that he's noticed that the maniacal look on my face is gone.
Apparently upon entering the restaurant my eyes were blinking rapidly and I appeared slightly flustered. I, later mention this to a couple of friends who now tell me "Oh yeah, I've seen that look on you before" Appealing.

So now Steve, who has now known me for about 30 minutes, says, "You do have a lot going on but I've noticed something." I think..."Oh god there's a blueberry seed stuck in my teeth from that damn protein shake I had on the way over."

Which would have been a little easier to swallow than what came next. He asks me if I ever settle for anything less than an A. "Uh, an A? Is this a test?" Inside voice.

He continues "I didn't hear you mention how good any or all of these things going on in your life are. Have you ever thought I look great the just the way I am? That having a bowl of ice cream is not the end of the world. You're really hard on yourself aren't you?"

Now at this point I became intrigued. Afterall my own therapist never got any of this on our first session and here he was analyzing me for FREE. I wasn't offended just curious. Am I really so transparent?

I then volunteered, the kiss of death, "I think I have an issue with control, and I tend to try to "fix" everything." That's it, all future dates are off with this man. He now knows way too much and should run from this maniacal woman.

As for the epiphany, although I know what he said to be true, why did it hit me as if I never saw or heard it before. How can I learn to undo that which is written all over me like a billboard.

I believe things happen for a reason so maybe this was my wake-up call. The nudge that I needed. The nudge that might open my eyes and try to work on being more positive about what I have, life, love, friends, family etc..and to try not to control everything in my life. Take the C not the A.

Can I do it? We'll "C".

MMmmmmm

Happy Monday........

The Friday Foto

Me with Whoopi (the wax version) Las Vegas 2004

Lookin' Good

Watching Nip/Tuck this evening reminded me of the desire to be perfect.

My latest "fix" has been some cosmetic work on my teeth. Now, they (my teeth) are not yellow, widely spaced apart or even chipped. I have a slight overlap of teeth on the bottom so I got those invisalign braces and viola ..they are in line and look fab.

Today I went to the dermatologist and did a mole check. While there, I had her remove one from my arm..why mention this? Oh becasue the bandage just opened up and I bled all over my keyboard here while typing. NICE!

Ok I digress...SO this evening I went to one of those new "medical spas" to have a massage. After 90 minutes of bliss, I sat sipping on some cold H20 while looking at the brochure from the cosmetic enhancement side of this establishment. Maybe I should say the "menu", hmmm, would I like a breast enhancement, nah, a breast lift, mmmm, maybe down the road a little, how about some liposuction? Good god, look at how much they were able to "suck" out of that gal.

Oh, good god...look at the prices!!! I think I'll need to take out a loan to be able to make any enhancements. Or maybe I'll just stick with good ole diet and exercise.

I'm a Woman....

Today it occurred to me that I may need to to succumb to some valium. I may no longer be able to personify the image of the "I can do it all" kind of gal I had hoped to be. I think I truly have some issues when it comes to asking for help. Mental note to self: Ask therapist about this one.

" I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan and never let you forget that your a man"

AHem...Unlike the Enjoli woman of the 70's , I do bring home the bacon, but I microwave it and then allow my man to make me feel like a woman! (If I had one)

So, as I sit here stuffing my mouth with sour cherry balls (it's candy).. settle down! I am thinking when did I stop asking for help from other people. Is it the Capricorn in me that propels me to insist that I can do it myself or is it that I may have been let down (disappointed) by so many of the men in my life and so called "friends" that I have given up on the ole' adage of having a shoulder to lean on.

Where's the shoulder? When my washing machine broke, did any of my married girlfriends offer the services of their husbands to help out their "man-less" gf? No. Did I ask for help? No. In my mind, if I had a hubby or a b.f., I would offer up his services (non sexual, of course) to a friend in need.

One of my gf's today said " you can't be mad at someone because they don't step up to the plate as you would..you can be disappointed in them, yes, but not angry because of where they set the boundaries as to how much they are willing to contribute to the relationship."

Sounds like a bitter pill to swallow...which reminds me...where did I put that little pill?

Sam

Here's Sam napping on her toy on a Sunday afternoon.

The "In" Crowd

I know it's supposed to be somewhat therapeutic to blog. It's an opportunity to say what's on your mind and get some things off of your chest. But it can be so lonely. You write and write and don't even know if anyone is reading or even gives a rat's arse about any of it.

I also think that my writing needs some help. I seem to be tying too hard to find topics which would interest anyone or that anyone would care about. I may have lost the whole meaning to this.

I have also noticed that once you get in a "click" of bloggers everyone passes around your blog and you'all converse back and forth. It makes writing something somewhat meaningful. I have begun to feel as if I need to be "in" a blogger click.

The few that have posted a comment, post annoymous. What? Does the fact that you read my blog makes your's less of one?

So, I am thinking of giving it up for a while. If I return, I'll change the name and make my profile annoymous and generic. That way I can really post the "stuff" that happens in my life good, bad and naughty. You know they say sex sells. Not saying that it would be like a steamy novel, however I might be able to write some thoughts without inhibition since no one I know will have access to this new site.

Giving it some thought.